Tips On How To Resolve Conflicts Effectively - September
2, 2009
by Joe Salama
The key to successful conflict resolution is not compromise,
but understanding. Once each party develops a true understanding
of all the other parties' positions, then the possible solutions
begin to present themselves. Use this in your personal and professional
lives. The key to understanding is listening.
It is impossible to resolve a conflict until the parties
stop avoiding one another, denying that their problems exist,
and stop blaming one another. Once they stop doing this, and
actually start listening to one another, then they can start
assuming the necessary responsibility that will form the basis
of a mutually agreeable resolution.
It's typically the person doing the yelling and the
screaming that is the one with the problem/issue, not the person
being yelled or screamed at. The easier part, believe it or
not, is identifying the underlying issue, the harder part is
figuring out the best way to manage it.
A good communicator understands the roots of human
conflict. There are many things that can be motivating a conflict,
including: revenge, fear of betrayal/inability to trust, prejudice,
and the fear of being seen as weak. Good communicators perceive
the distinction between reacting and responding to someone else,
and can diffuse an otherwise hostile situation by a measured,
appropriate response.
How to start talking about a problem:
(1) Remember you are dealing with a human being with fears,
insecurities, and other emotions;
(2) Use neutral language to identify the problem: "Some
co-workers may find the calendar in your office inappropriate."
vs. "The calendar in your office is totally sexist."
(3) Separate the person from the problem: "The calendar
in your office is inappropriate." vs. "Your calendar
is inappropriate."
In any negotiation, don't underestimate the value
of the process itself because you are focused on the desired
outcome. Most people require a struggle in order to feel good
about the outcome and appreciate the result. To those who have
been down that path before, it appears that the person is over-complicating
things, and will end up in the same place after a lot of seemingly
unnecessary work. But if you get to the end result too fast
without giving each person a chance to speak and explain their
position, even if you know what they are going to say, the final
result won't feel satisfactory to all the parties involved.
© 2010 Mediation with Joe Salama
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