Tips On How To Resolve Conflicts Effectively, Part Four
- March 23, 2010
by Joe Salama
So much of my work is about listening. Listening to
the parties. Making the parties listen to each other. Making
the parties know that they have been listened to. Conflict is
created when communication fails. If we can reestablish communication,
we should be able to diffuse the conflict.
Not everyone chooses to be involved in a conflict.
They are often boot-strapped to one by virtue of their profession,
partnership, or relationship. Mediation can help people learn
how to create a functional dialogue to avoid unnecessary friction.
Remember people: Every conflict in your life requires
your participation in order to keep it going. To clarify further:
You are participating in an activity which is causing you great
distress, unhappiness, and cost by your choice. At
the very least, do not fuel the conflict any further. Ideally,
seize the bull by the horns and demand a mediation with the
other side to resolve the conflict. To do otherwise would be
choosing to continue an activity that is causing you great distress,
unhappiness, and cost - which would be irrational. That said,
there ARE some situations that you can be in - because of financial
pressures for example - where you are temporarily forced to
maintain difficult relationships. If you are in such a situation,
you must make sure you have a plan in place to change things
so the temporary situation doesn't become permanent.
You have the power to direct much in your life. You
have the ability to determine which relationships - professional
or otherwise - need help before they explode. You are the primary
person in charge of communicating your interests. Seize the
day before the day seizes you.
When confronted with any new conflict, remember these three
points:
1 - IT CAN BE UNDONE. That is the first thing that
a person in the heat of conflict must understand. A conflict
DOES NOT have to continue to its [il]logical conclusion.
2 - The second is that THE OTHER PARTIES LIKELY FEEL
THE SAME WAY THAT YOU DO, despite their grandstanding and poker
faces. Believe it. It isn't fun for anyone....
3 - The last is YOU CAN ALL GAIN WITHOUT ANYONE LOSING.
Collaborating on a solution can address every party's needs,
rather than one party forcing its needs on the others.
So relax, sit down, and try to communicate effectively
and understand the other parties. If you can do it right, everyone
wins.
We all need to find the proper time to workout, decompress,
scream, blow up bad guys in video games, or do what we need
to do to release the stress/negative energy/bad vibes before
they come back out in some manner we don't want. The time is
well invested, despite that it is often seen as "unproductive"
time. Life is an endurance sport, and you don't want to be caught
at age 45 without having learned how to relax properly.
A corollary to the last paragraph, finding the time
to decompress, is not working too hard. People say this so often
that the words don't mean anything anymore. Hard work is considered
a good character trait. And certainly money is not in abundance
for very many of us these days. It is therefore very easy to
work too hard. One indication that you are working to hard is
when you run into a figurative wall at work that you can't seem
to get past, a problem that can't be solved.
Whether you are a mediator trying to solve a difficult
conflict, or whether you are frustrated at work dealing with
an obtuse client, or whether you are trying to figure out the
instructions that came with the Ikea dresser you just bought,
a fresh perspective always helps. If you don't have
time to take a break, you can get a fresh perspective instantly
by asking a colleague for their opinion. The deeper you immerse
yourself into a problem, the farther you get from seeing the
big picture of what it is that you are trying to solve.
© 2010 Mediation with Joe Salama
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